Friday, October 24, 2008

Joe the Plumber Opens Door for Celebrity Candidates

Joe Wurzelbacher, America's most celebrated plumber, announced today on the Laura Ingraham Show that he'd "be up for" challenging Rep. Marcy Kaptur (D-OH) in 2010. His announcement strikes a blow for celebrities, who, until this time, have been considered unfit for office by ranking members of the Grand Old Party. Wurzelbacher's courageous and ground breaking announcement was soon followed by press releases from other celebrities with dreams of public service.

Representatives of Dora the Explorer stated that the television star has assembled an exploratory committee to prepare for a possible presidential run in 2012. Dora, who would be the first Latina on a national ticket for either major party, is considered an expert in foreign affairs. Among her qualifications are recent trips to Tanzania, France, Russia, and China, chronicled in "Dora's World Adventure." Dora's backers also cite her heroism in "Dora's Pirate Adventure," noting that this experience could be vital in restoring order to the shipping lanes between Somalia and Yemen.

Though he lacks Dora's impressive international credentials, Bob the Builder also announced his intention to seek the Republican presidential nomination in 2012. Bob was called earlier this week to testify in the corruption trial of Senator Ted Stevens (R-AK), whose vacation home Bob worked on in early 2001. Though Bob's connection with Stevens may taint his candidacy, backers believe that he is the right man to deal with the nation's housing crisis. When asked if we could prevent American families from losing their homes to foreclosure, he replied with a confident, "Yes we can!"

Both candidates face formidable obstacles, as the party's suspicion of celebrities will be difficult to overcome. Despite this, some Republican insiders are excited about the possibilities. One party operative commented off the record, "Together, they really could be a dream ticket. High name recognition, popularity with younger voters, domestic and international expertise...and they'd give us a real shot at Latino voters. Maybe we could translate Bob's slogan into Spanish. Si se puede. It's got a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

Despite the growing inclusiveness of the Republican Party, some celebrities complain that they are still excluded from running for office. Representatives of Thomas the Tank Engine issued a press release decrying a smear campaign, which they say is aimed at undermining a potential Thomas candidacy. Video footage of a young Thomas speaking with a foreign accent has appeared on YouTube, and party officials have received anonymous e-mails accusing Thomas of using a forged birth certificate when seeking employment. Another anonymous e-mail accuses Thomas of links to radical comic George Carlin.

The odds of success for any of these celebrity candidates may, however, hinge less on attitudes within the Republican Party than they do on results of the 2008 election. If Barack Obama, "the biggest celebrity in the world," is elected President of the United States, Republicans of all stripes will surely seek a celebrity candidate of their own.

Munchausen Syndrome by Ashley

What-a-fake, what-a-fake, Ashley's scam.
Make up her as face as fast as she can.
Punch it and paint it and mark it with "B"
And post it on Drudge Report as quick as can be.

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